„My Solution vs. The way it’s solved right
My Feelings vs. The way a human should feel right now
My Thoughts vs. The thoughts of a normal human being
My imagination vs. No Imagination
My way of moving the chess pieces vs. My opponent’s way of playing chess“
Shun is confused.
Yet he feels special for a few years, playing all these games.
A few years later, he starts taking them seriously, almost treating it like a personal war.
He loses, as soon as reality starts pretending to be his friend.
Realities‘ manifestation are his classmates.
Shun doesn’t notice the upcoming pain and sorrow that he will feel as soon as he loses the war, until reality is near him.
He loses every fight.
Then he hides them, like these battles would be his demons, that would only bring him pain.
The truth is, he lives for these battles.
So he flees, far, far away.
Lives a few years, with seemingly nothing left to live for.
Two-Faced. Pretending to be okay and healthy, so people won’t notice.
Not just one day. Not just one week.
He thinks about ending it. „Any moment“, he thinks.
Yet. He still has a breath. His heart didn’t stop beating.
He still woke up every damn day, without really knowing why.
And as soon as there was hope for a break, he is forced to pretend.
Pretending to have the will and psyche to go even further.
He suffers, but nobody can see. Because he’s two-faced.
Shun is a bit proud on himself. Even got praise from a former teacher of his, telling him he should go start acting professionaly, since he’d be „so talented from a young age!“
He hates himself for that talent. He hates lying.
Ironically he discovered, that he’s great, probably even the best at it.
Now it even drives him to a seemingly never ending road of sorrow.
„Destiny sometimes really loves me…“, he thinks sarcastically before he sinks down in self-hatred again.
Yet. He still has a breath. His heart still didn’t stop beating.
He still wakes up every damn day, without being totally sure why.
People are trying to cheer him up. Obligatory, because some people just do that.
He pretends as if it works, and it kinda does. But not enough, so he could feel it.
From time to time again, his mind starts philosophizing. His hands are typing, writing.
Secretly. Because he’s not doing what he’s supposed to do. He’s working on someting bigger:
Himself.
So he can start waking up, and having at least a damn direction he can follow through the day without accidentally jumping out of the window since the floor seemed to attract him melancholically, especially from the third or higher floor. Not only physically, but also his mind had this lust of jumping.
Luckily, even that kind of lust was numb enough, to not actually do it.
Now he’s successful in mind. Has a reason to breathe and have a beating heart.
He’d even be ok if he died.
„Now that’s some meaningful life right there!“, he thinks.
And writes that down, too.
So he can start trying to love himself.
He never really tried out. So it can’t hurt that much to try, right?
…right?
…
I wonder what else Shun did, to find Identity.
Maybe even tried out a Personality test?
…
…and afterwards even read out the gist of it?
Man, than he’d be a happy human being, to kind of the one to know, what he’s supposed to do in this cruel existence!
…or would he?
Have a beautiful day, and…
Thank you for reading!
Mexistencey 